April 25th, 2007

{ naruto ; kyuubi } rawr

Pathetic days.

I really think I should update here more. I have this unabridged tendency to keep my feelings and my days to myself, but I'm going to be more faithful in updating now. So here's a rundown of yesterday, while I still have the time.

[ M O R N I N G ]

Woke up at five all by myself. This has been happening a lot lately. I don't know why, but.. It simply is, though I think it's because they took me off a sleep med. Now I can't stay asleep. Ugh. I didn't take a shower, though I don't know why, and instead spent a few hours on the computer before I ran to the bus stop. My comp was being a bitch and it wouldn't load iTunes. A general morning. I didn't eat anything, either.

[ P R E A L G E B R A ]

They didn't check our homework. My Pre-Algebra class is run by a middle aged annoying intern with a nasal like tone every time he greets us with "Good morning class :D" He was gone though, to be observed by the people at the resident university, so I didn't pay attention in class (surprise, surprise) and worked on my Kanji. People taking Japanese have no idea how lucky they are to have a teacher. =_=;

Anyways, they didn't check our homework, which was a blessing for 90% of the class, because none of us usually do our homework. Aside from Kanji, I end up worrying about finals, Oshima, Stacie, and a job interview I was scheduled to have after school. It was the nice start to a particularly bad day. I suppose I could try to be more optimistic about life, but I'm having difficulties in the matter. Blargh.

[ E N G L I S H ]

I don't pay attention in this class either. I get another nose bleed and pretend like it's not there, working on my Japanese and only so often glancing up at the class. We are working on plays, however, my parts aren't usually till the very end. I am Friar in Romeo and Juliet, and we're still only in Act I, and I'm in the very end of another play entirely. So I don't care. I do, however, pray my mom will find some reason to come get me.

Ms. Thurston rambles.

My mom never shows.

[ L U N C H ]

I never go to lunch. Instead, I go to the library, pay my fines, and check out a book. I have to do a report on suicide for my English class. Amusingly enough, in the front of the book, one of the Warning Signs of a suicidal person is to write a report about suicide for their English class. XD; I found it ironic.

I continued to work on my Kanji and sat on the library's computer, looking for a proxy. I never do find one, nor do I find myself getting any better at my Japanese. I'm awful at remembering things. At this point, I haven't eaten in days. My stomach moans.

[ A R T ]

I cheat and turn in old work saying it's new. My art teacher, Mr. Hilliard, believes me. Then I take notes like a good little girl on the 20th century artists presentation the class is doing. We nearly finish. Though really, I would like it to carry on forever. I'm having an artist's block, and we're working in watercolor. I fucking hate watercolor. With an unabridged passion. Ugh.

My gay friend Greg doesn't have anything on his artist. His words were. "Um... He's male... and...um... an artist... and... straight... and... :D;;;" We all sort of liked it. In a weird way. It was like, the entire class was rooting for Greg than Mr. Hilliard, because Hill was being an ass to him, and Greg was still smiling. I knew it was fake. Class dragged on for a while. I never really focused.

[ C R E A T I V E W R I T I N G ]

I go to the computer lab to work on my CW project. Instead, I end up writing Stacie a post, emailing it to myself, and printing out a picture of anime!Deidara. I tell myself I will finish my project. It's only convincing myself of something that's totally untrue, and I was aware of it, but it felt good. It generally feels good to sit alone in a dark room with a computer, doing what you want when you're supposed to be getting yelled at by the rest of the class.

Playing favorites really isn't too bad if you're the favorite.

I feel like puking at this point.

[ B U S ]

Short bus, long ride.

Not really. Long bus, long ride, short people?

Not really. I can't pun off of Cake songs. :(

[ H O M E ]

I'm scared shitless about my Panera interview. I'd heard a lot of awful things about working there, so I'm nearly trembling by the time I get home, and I eat something near immediately. Mom's lying in bed. Her words come raspy as usual. "Mom's sick, Morgan. They want me to go to the doctor immediately." I knew this meant she was letting me down and not taking me to the interview. "We'll go tomorrow, dear."

I sit on the computer for a while and wait for Stacie. I think about exams while I freeze, and going to the doctor, and seeing him myself for a Vertigo problem. I threw up a bit in my mouth and talked about my old drinking and bulimirexia issues with my Majutsu posse. My internet won't come up, for some reason. Fucking computer.

By the time the girl I'm waiting for gets online, Stacie, my mom is really sick and we're rushing out the door. My luck is shit.

[ R O A D ]

Dad hits the breaks really hard and 72oz. of Mellow Yellow spills all over me and the car. He refuses to turn around and let me change, and stays in a pissy mood. I'm in one too. Mom's being weak and attention seeking. I still smell like fruit. Joy.

[ D O C T O R ' S O F F I C E ]

Someone laughs about me and how wet I am. I'm too stressed for words at this point. I feel the cake doughnut I forced down my throat coming back up. I taste blood. I swallow it. A man calls me in, asks why I'm there, and takes my height, weight, and anything else he deems necessary. Dad speaks for me. I don't speak. I never do. Then we are led into a room where I take a seat in the back corner and brood the way Sasuke does, chin resting in hands and pathetic look in my eyes.

God I am an emo.

When the doctor comes in, they make me take an x-ray and take away three tubes of blood. The x-ray is annoying, and I watch the blood flow in mild manner fascination. But I know it isn't mild. It reminds me too much of cutting. I feel nauseated and dizzy. They prescribe me a take-as-needed vertigo pill. I leave as soon as I can and sit in the car.

Dad says we're going to the residential warehouse, Sam's Club, to get snacks for my Creative Writing Club that's today.

[ S A M ' S ]

I eat a slice of pizza and we buy some brownies. The pizza tastes like grease and the sprite tastes like soda water, and my saliva tastes like metal. I don't complain about it. I just want to go home. Mom and dad bitch at each other and I'm quiet as usual, waiting patiently to get the fuck out of there so I could go home. But when I would get home, I knew all I would do would be work on my report for CW.

[ R O A D ]

I crack and cry a little on the way home.

Nobody notices.

[ H O M E ]

I attempt to work on my project, but end up puking up some bloody pizza and doughnuts. I know this is bad. I'll tell someone eventually. At some point I actually begin working on my project. It's due today and isn't anywhere near completion. Damn. I guess I'll just fastforward through everything.

Stacie gives me her post. That made me feel better.

I start crying again.

I go to sleep as soon as mom tells me to.

[ S L E E P ]

I had two main dreams.

One that I was raped by a girl from school.

Two that Deidara and Sasori were walking through a field and then they were attacked by a rabid, nine foot tall maneating baboon. Then Itachi, Kisame, Kakuzu, and a Jamaican local shot bow and arrows at the baboon and they were full of food. The Jamaican local said it was enough to keep the monkey full for three days.

I'm not even going to try and look at this at a deeper level.